Thursday, April 2, 2009

Fart descriptions

Everyone knows that it's rude to pass gas in a group of people. Not only that it's embarrassing to everyone around. It's worse when one escapes in an elevator. Everyone is trapped with the smell until the doors mercifully slide open. Ever smelled one in the movie theaters? Man it's horrible!- Enough of that though, on to the types of farts!!

There's the standard one everyone knows about. It comes out kind of quick, and sounds like a normal fart. There's no mistaking that sound. Usually if there are people around you, they try to vacate the room as quick as they can. (With their noses covered.)

Sometimes when you really need to let go, you try to hold it in, (it's usually in an inappropriate area) but it can't be held in any longer. This one comes out as a high pitched squeal, similar to the sound escaping air makes from a balloon. This is probably one of the most embarrassing one's to do around people.

The classic S.B.D. (Silent But Deadly) When this one escapes, it fills a room quick. This rapidly leads to pointing of fingers as to who did it. Remember some sharp-tongued one will say 'whoever denied it applied it', or 'whoever smelt it dealt it'. S.B.D.'s are truly deadly. It creeps into your nostrils quick, wilting you nose hairs. People always clear the room quick.

You ever hear the one when it sounds like someone's butt cheeks are flapping as they fart? Watch out for those. The G.D. (Gas Density) per fart on this one is enormous. If you are indoors with this one, the place needs airing out immediately. This is one you definitely DON'T want to do around your girlfriend guys.

The watery one is just as it sounds. Watery. When this one is released, you might want to check your boxers. This is another one you don't want to do around people. When this is heard, it truly is disgusting.

There is also the quick, short fart. This one isn't too bad. Usually this one is reacted to with shock. If there are people around you, they usually don't know how to react. They aren't sure what that sound was, but the sharp ones kind of have an idea. You can try to make some other type of non-body noise to cover it up.

Now this one is surely to clear the room for a LONG time. The delayed farts. When the offender farts several times in a row within 10 minutes. Everyone groans after the second one, because they thought the problem was 'cleared up' so to speak. This day will never be forgotten, because your friends will joke about it forever.

Don't forget the high-low fart. You have all heard it. It starts off with a squeal, stops for a half-second, then continues with a low, bass rumbling sound. It sounds like it's intentional, but it's not. The body just works that way sometimes. The low-high fart is the same, it just starts off low, then ends high.

And the big one of all, the Bass Rumbler. When this one erupts; dive for cover- QUICK. It escapes as a low, bass rumble. There's no mistaking this fart. It is the most hated of all farts, not because it sounds disgusting. It has the power to stay in fabrics and linger, so clothes, sofas, chairs and the like have to be aired out ASAP.

So whether you break wind, cut the cheese, rip one, pass gas (the polite way to say it) wilt flowers, fart or flap cheeks, doing it with people around is just plain wrong.

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